Dick Cheney, Vice President, Resigns

U.S. Vice President Richard Cheney is said to have resigned late this afternoon, following the recent rumored reports of his involvement in a sordid sex scandal.

We, here, are dismayed at these rumors, which originated elsewhere and are now spreading on the Web.

We strongly believe that anyone?s sex life is a personal and properly private matter, and it seems quite obvious that there may be more fiction than fact behind some of the purported details of his affair currently in circulation.

For example, there is a somewhat scurrilous undertone in those accounts seemingly offered in defense of Mr. Cheney's behavior, and his dalliance was only with Indian (not African) elephants, who were themselves well beyond the age of consent and were enthusiastic participants. The assignations were undertaken with the understanding and acceptance of his wife (who holds no species prejudices), and no unnatural acts occurred at any time -- merely straight sex in the standard missionary position.

There are no criminal charges pending.

As any thoughtful person will recognize, such efforts amount to damning praise.

We will continue to follow this story, winnowing the fraudulent from the factual, and updating the account as more information becomes available.

Meanwhile, Mr. Cheney has been unavailable for comment. A White House spokesperson denied that the resignation was for personal reasons.